Campus Students, This Is How To Know That You Are Cursed

By B. O. B

You get HELB loan and spend it ruthlessly on a first year lady who is on parallel. Now, this first year happens to rule you so much that you forget that sossi was once meat to you. You maliciously buy for her an expensive Samsung touch screen phone with 800MB data bundles. As your HELB begins to reduce, you start picking coca cola bottle tops for free internet bundles to help you keep watsapping this unquenchable volcanically romantic lady only for her to abandon you when the semester ends. Your HELB has now been reduced to HELP. You didn’t even remember to send your mother airtime. Your mother’s phone is some useless Zhin Xhuen East Beijing manufactured phone with a pregnant battery fastened by a bladder. Your mother’s phone has no : power, airtime, watsapp or even a please call me text leave alone an okoa jahazi. Her phone only has network by the service provider. My friend, you have been cursed by your villagers.

The end of semester exams are around the corner yet this is the time you discover how sweet marijuana is with chapatis and cold water fetched from the bathroom shower tap. Then you smoke and enter you room, you take your room mates speakers and laptop and dip them into a bucket full of cold water so that you listen to cool music. You are arrested and taken to the school’s security department and locked in the school’s cell. You end up missing the week one exams. My friend let me tell you that your village elder cursed you while he was listening to the reggae song called, “Ganja Farmer.” Are we together on this?

During the exam period, you decide to want to have sex ceremoniously but unfortunately you are caught. And it is not the first time you are are being caught especially during exam periods. Now this time you are caught by the lady’s boyfriend who happens to be a bouncer. This guy ends up beating the bone of your nose until you get marasmus of the nostrils.You decide all is not lost, you get another lady, you buy her black ice, king fisher and buy yourself glucose and some energy drinks for your supposed work ahead. Unfortunately for you, all students in the school decide to go on a rampage and your dreams of a consolation sex are cut short. My friend let me tell you that cursed you to read only and never have sex while still a student.

As the exams go on, you get yourself a new campus girlfriend. But immediately, the daughter of your village chief who apparently is your ex girlfriend, calls you and tells you that she still loves you the way his father loves to be given free chicken by wrong doers in the village. You get so confused and excited by this call until you send her money for pedicure and manicure yet she has no nails on her feet. So you end up ditching this very descent and bright campus lady for that idiotic chief’s daughter. Let me tell you my friend that your village elders cursed you by dancing naked around a pot of boiling chicken feathers making sure that you are permanently in a romantic tower of babel with this idiotic daughter of your chief who can’t even differentiate between what digit comes firstin the number twenty two.

Still you survive and the semester comes to a close and it’s time to go see your village folks. You want to arrive in the evening because you are the village hero. On your arrival, you are intercepted by some wicked village thieves who apparently steal even food. These thieves also happen to be the suppliers of that deadly marijuana that you smoke mercilessly in campus so I bet you can guess the sizes of their eyes and the pH scale of the color of their eyes.These thieves demand you to surrender your phone and money. You obviously deny and say that you have no phone or money then immediately, your untamed phone rings so loudly and unfortunately your ringtone is, “You can chop my money, chop my money, coz I don’t care,” and the thugs give you a Jackie Chaaan, ‘Achaaa!’.

After the thugs beating, your eyes are so swollen but you arrive home safely. The kerosene in your lamp is finished. You fumble in the dark to get an eye drop medicine to heal your poo eye. Unfortunately, you mistake superglue for the eye drop.

You go to a hospital and your eye is treated. Then the doctor tells you that in order for your bad luck to come to an end, then you must have sex with the chief’s daughter. On your planned day of romping the chief’s daughter, you get with her in bed and she suddenly turns into a coffin.

The next Sunday, you get saved and get an internship in Somalia. On your first day of internship, you enter an elevator, then some Al Shabaab militia enter the same elevator and because you are now saved, your phone rings so loudly and the ringtone is, “Somebody shout Hallelujah!”… I leave you to fantasize on this not so rosy experience.

You get from Somalia back home then you find that the chief’s daughter bought you a new belt as a surprise valentine’s present. So the next day when wearing your trouser, the new belt turns into a snake. Fine you get a Chinese girlfriend who cooks you the belt and you both enjoy the yummy yummy belt.

On the day of your first date with your Chinese girlfriend, you decide to take her to a Chinese restaurant. After eating three bowls of Chin Hua roasts, you realize that you forgot your wallet in the taxi. Apparently, this hotel is owned by Jet Li. I can’t comment on the outcome of forgetting your wallet in this karateful hotel.

All the above symptoms tell you that the person who cursed you died a long time ago. Because of this, there is no medicine to reverse the situation. So remain cursed my friend because the more your curses, then the more I get the material to write about.

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