Campus: Of Wooing and Whoring – By Bonface Masese

Apparently we are all in campus. I say apparently because it is not entirely the case, at least not socially; hence the need to share with you some of the most effective methods mugs use to sweep their crush off their feet and onto their bed. I will address our respectable ladies the moment they realize the difference between wooing and whoring.

Gentlemen take a backseat and let me take you through the nitty-gritties of shooting Cupid’s arrow without missing. Before you take off I should add that it’s all for free. All you need to pay is your attention (that’s just about all you can pay these days anyway, right?).

Firstly, one would be dumb to even imagine they could land a campus diva without the due back up of expensive electronic gadgets like (you guessed right) laptops and the latest smartphones trending in the market. You can’t own her if you have nothing on her. The most attractive campus lasses probably are probably dating the guys with the most sophisticated possessions.

Secondly, do not expect to sleep on top of trees and have a beauty queen under your wings. It doesn’t work that way. Thankfully, you have all been moved into the CBD from your nests in the now infamous ‘diaspora’. No girl wants to trek like the biblical Israelites into the annals of Moi University just for a sleep over especially when you are not the only admirer. Now, all you need to do is connect a blazing sound system in your room and make sure the conditions therein are similar to those of a Nairobi mathree.

All said and done, you need to back your swag up with the latest vibe in town. Don’t approach a lady with such pick-up lines as “…for some reason I am attracted to bow legged women.” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! Try something like “…my goodness, you are so hot I am beginning to sweat!” With a little bit of luck she might afford a smile for you. If they don’t even let you say a thing, go improve your oral hygiene and try again. You might try wearing a t-shirt bearing the words “I love dogs.” You may have a common passion after all, (no offence intended).

Observe the tips above and you will be smiling all the way to hostel J (or is it K) every single night. All the best in your endeavours, I hope you remember to enjoy responsibly.

The Writer is 3rd year – Moi University Main Campus


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