The Exam Phobia ~ By MUKAMI Jedidah Mwebia

WHAT must be done must be done. Yeah you know what I’m talking about, the exams. Extraction of extra amount of my strengths at least that is what the escapist student is saying or extraction for extra amount of my success. That is the realistic student speaking .The competition between the two feels like the Hague sessions. The realist is more of the prosecutor while the escapist is more of the suspect.

P: You, Non serious student.REG NO. MUTUTHO 001/11.You have been accused of time wastage in your drinking sprees which in turn lead to your missing classes including C.A.T.S. due to hangovers. Do you plead guilty or innocent?
D: Your Honour. I plead innocent I agree that I have spent an ample time of this semester in the course MUTUTHO 101 TUIKUNYWE WOTE KWANZA .Your Honour I had every reason to do so. I had missing marks in several courses and therefore I could not continue with other courses without these marks.
P: Next question .It has come to honour attention that you think the exams are due too early. Is that true?
D: Yes your Honour. You see there are a couple of courses that the lectures have not showed up.
P: Can you name these courses
D: Your Honour eeeeh
P:Be careful with what you say ,what you say can be used against you
D:Yes your Honour .I don’t remember these courses
P: I thought so
D:But your Honour,there are a couple of courses which we are not done with the syllabus. How do we do the exams without notes.
P: I am inclined to think that you are trying to push away the exams.It has come to my attention after serious investigation that you have not been attending classes and have no notes even those that have already been delivered. You have no case.

J:Order!Order!It is evident that the defendant has no case.The days of the exams remain as they are.Case closed.
With the exams due the kusota syndrome and all, watch out least on someones toe and find yourself at the securities office.
How do you deal with exam phobia? Read in advance. The earlier you accept that exams are finally here the better for you and those around. Success in your revision and forthcoming exams.
The exam phobia is gripping me
With the exam timetable out I feel like turning back the hands of time. All of a sudden I feel like the course I have been taking for 2 years is not the one for me. Its not what I’m destined for, not in my blood stream; it does not look like me or even sound like me.
How can they release the exam timetable when one of my lectures has not showed up? How will I do a paper without notes? If this was The Hague, Ocampo and his team would have taken me down, after an investigation that would reveal that even those courses that the lectures fully attend alas are not attended fully and neither do I have notes for the courses. In fact there is one that I do not know the lecturer.
Then the missing marks. I’m still looking for some missing marks. I don’t know my fate why should I bother to take another set of exams while I cannot graduate without this paper.» is that the protesting demon ?please tell me I’m just speaking my mind.

The write is a 2nd year – BA French


Soweto Mess Hit By Spoon Shoratge ~ By OSOMBAH W. Steve

WITH utmost grief I would wish to announce that all is not well in my favourite dining hall. Soweto Mess is experiencing an acute shortage of spoons. Comrades have been forced to wait for their colleagues to finish eating and take their spoons, wash, then proceed to eat notwithstanding the fact the food is will be cold by the time they get the spoons. Time wasting is not an option right now with exams commencing in the next 3 weeks. In addition to that, we have C.A.T’s and Academic Term Papers harassing us left, right and centre. It’s that time of the semester when comrades are very busy: many comrades are recovering time they lost when the semester began and if you want to provoke anyone, waste his/her time. Apparently there are more folks than spoons. Eating RnB (Rice and Beans) using folks is not fun for those of you who had no option and had to use them can attest to this. There are also those who use spoons when eating Ugali. Am not in this category but am speaking on their behalf. Where I come from we don’t use spoons when eating Ugali. Actually, I experienced culture shock when I first set my foot in this great province. It looked strange to me and for a minute I thought I was lost when I bumped onto this phenomenon. It is a taboo in my culture so it took me by surprise but as time went by I got used to seeing people using spoons for this activity. In my culture you must ‘feel’ the ugali…he he he! Anyway let’s get back to the problem at hand.
Theories Underlying the Shortage of Spoons in Soweto Mess
There are two theories underpinning this spoon shortage debacle. The proponents of theory one argue that comrades have been looting this useful tool from the mess. Continuous looting over time by the comrades has resulted to the acute shortage of spoons we are now experiencing. Therefore, the premise of this theory is that the current crisis is self attributed.
Proponents of theory two on the other hand argue that the number of comrades coming to take their meals at the mess has been on increase of late. This trend has been associated with lots of CATs and Take Away assignments and comrades don’t have enough time to prepare their own food in the hostels. The premise of theory two is that the number of comrades going to the cafeteria has exceeded the number of spoons available hence the shortage. I don’t know which of these two theories we can apply but either way we need explanation for the missing spoons.
Am appealing to the concerned authorities to do something and please let them do it quick. We don’t need a kamkunji for this, do we? It is not only unhealthy to share spoons but it doesn’t just feel right. It’s embarrassing especially since we acquired a new status: ISO Certification. We wanted ISO Certification and as such we must observe the standards.

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Best Friends of the Opposite Sex ~ By SEDA Reakey

YOU have been hearing about them (particularly about this one person that your partner regards highly) and can’t wait to meet them too. Then you find out it is their best friend and is a member of the opposite sex. The first thing you experience is insecurity brought about by doubt. This comes after a few comments made by your partner about sentiments that were made by this so-called best friend.
These sentiments are usually not positive given the circumstances. It usually begins with a snide remark of whether you really are the right person for the ‘job’ down to your different tastes in clothing-as if that should matter.
These so-called ‘best-friends’ should never be taken for granted and once you get into a relationship you should immediately try and establish their role. If it’s threatening, do not shrug the issue off, just try and solve it there and then. Don’t make a mistake and start giving harsh ultimatums, just make it very firm where your boundaries are on certain matters.
Remember that you can never fully control what your partner chooses friends, but you can influence it. Don’t take everything said personally. These “best friends” may just be trying to look out for your partners interests and it may come out the wrong way. They are humans after all. Avoid intimidating them as this may just make them feel weary of you.
What if all of these suggestions don’t work? Well you better hope that something happens and he or she gets jailed for life….well, not really. I think life at times just throws challenges at us to see how strong we are. If it’s not that bad, don’t make a mountain out of it, instead try and live it down. When you think of it really, you are the winner here. You managed to make your partner choose you over them so always keep your head up.
The writer is a 3rd Year; Graphics Communication and Advertising

The H-Factor of Ghetto Life ~ By NYAMAI Nick

WALKING towards Hostel H from the Students’ Centre, commonly known as Studie, you can only see a three storey ‘modish’ building with some boosters overhead. In close proximity well written graffiti – HOSTEL H welcomes you to what many describe as the Cradle of Comrades, but unknown to many, behind these walls lie crafty facts that its habitants know well to themselves like the back of their hands. As I scale towards the upper floor a ‘sweet’ aroma greets me; the delicacies from lakeside alias Kisumu Boys – a common defining factor of the dwellers. If you think this is a joke, there is a corridor dubbed Omena Street and although it is seven o’clock in the morning, residents from this side of campus describe meals not from time it should be served on table but the desire of their bowels to get filled.
Here is a list of H comrade’s unique attributes;
– It’s the only hostel in the campus where comrades will operate any kind of business and meet desires of their customers such as Fundi wa Coil, Omena Fresh, and also Repairing of Broken Hearts. If you think it’s a lie, our walls don’t, in this ‘paradise’ they have mastered the art of creativity and even can tell the duration of time every blackout will take since they are accustomed to. 
Hard living – Meet any H dweller; he is hard to beat. They win at everything they try. Just maybe they hardly exist in Mashoka’s diary. Commonly known as the radar contrivance that delineates cultured living in campus, it’s a hostel with a whole lot of emerging trends; here comrades’ sleep for three hours a day. It comprises of the most peculiar comrades- not by coincidence. Living in hostel H provides you with a whole package and certain defense mechanisms to suit your survival in campus.  
Co- curricular activities – In H there is competition in nearly everything, yelling and howling for regular reasons- dark curse that lives in H. We have degrees in the art of perfection with elective courses in spinning the ‘Virtual DJ’. Soon we should have competitions in pool. Here, they play and never miss the white ball even after the sinister devil decides to make us sleep early than usual. If you need to keep all your HELB safely, register in this club. It is not feminine friendly since you spend much time indoors and you minimize to swallow the Mututho concoction.
Finally, if you know anything about the X-factor, then there are lots about the H-factor that you should familiarize yourselves with. It determines the political outcome of our MUSO leaders. And very important, in H three is no need to knock at your visitor’s door, only foreigners do so. Next time when you come visiting just pop in.

  The writer is a 3rd year LMC major.

Si Kuku Wala Mayai ~ Na NDONE James

MAISHA ya chuo kikuu ni kama panya, huuma na hupuliza. Muhula mpya ukianza maisha huwa yanauma yakipuliza, lakini siku zikizidi kusonga, huwa yanawasha kama upupu. Wa kupuliza hayupo. Naam, baada ya kula kuku, wala mayai na muhula ukielekea kuisha wala kama kuku. Huu ndiyo mtafaruku wa maisha. Ndiko kuhangaika ili unyoroshe maisha yako ya usoni.
Nimekuwa nikifuatilia kwa makini maisha ya wanafunzi wengi hapa chuoni. Ungetembelea duka letu la chipsi mwanzo wa muhula, hungepata kuku baada ya saa moja unusu jioni. Naam, mapeni yalikuwa maridhawa, mpaka kuku walikuwa wakilalamikia Jalali, “mbona twafa hivi Baba Yetu? Hawa ndugu zetu wenye miguu mirefu kutuliko wanatumaliza.” Naye Mungu wa maskini halali, akaanza kufanya mifuko iwe miepesi. Mabadiliko yanatokea ghafla, si kuku tena, zamu ya mayai inabisha hodi.
Wakati mayai yanashika hatamu, wanafunzi hupiga moyo konde na kusema, yai ndiyo mzazi wa kuku. Je, ni binadamu yupi atalinganisha kuku na yai? Eti petroli ya kuku ni yai! Jamani hata zuzu hawezi kumanya mbinu ya ulinganisho huo duni .
Mayai huliwa kwa muda na bila shaka gurudumu la maisha linazidi kusukumwa, kwani hauko chuoni kuishi miaka na mikaka. Lakini athari za kula mayai ni nyingi. Mojawapo inabainika vizuri na wapenzi wa muziki wa aina ya Bongo, pale mwimbaji gwiji kutoka Tanga almaarufu Ali Kiba kwenye kibao chake cha Usiniseme baada ya kula mayai ‘kilichofuata watu hawakukaa.’
Soko la mayai hufungwa muhula ukikaribia tamati. Wanafunzi huwa hawana budi ila kula kama kuku. Hebu piga picha jinsi kuku huchokora taka pipani ili awaambulie riziki wanawe, haswa mkate wa kila siku.
Hayo ndiyo maisha ya mwanafunzi wa chuo kikuu wakati jua la muhula linakaribia kutua. Anarejea maisha ya kozi ya kila mtu, almaarufu common course; sukumawiki. Ukitazama wengi waliokuwa wameota vitambi utaduwaa kuona jinsi matumbo yao yalivyopigwa randa. Utadhani dau lao la maisha linakaribia ukingoni.
Hata hivyo,maisha huwa na nyakati ama pia misimu tofauti. Wakati wa kutabasamu na kulia. Msimu wa furaha na majonzi. Wakati wa kupata na kukosa. Kwa hivyo tunapaswa kukaa ange na tuyakubali maisha jinsi yanavyotupata. Usidhani kukosa ni laana, bali ni wingu linalopita tu.
Kadhalika, hauko chuo kikuu kudumu. Hapa ni ukumbini. Upo tu kwa muda, utimize majukumu yako na baadaye uende upambane na dunia. Tafakari hayo.

Mwandishi ni Mwanafunzi wa mwaka wa tatu, Mawasiliano na Uanahabari

Kenya Yachomeka! ~ Na James NDONE

Mungu ni mzazi. Bila shaka ukimkosea mvyele wako hugaghibika. Naam , huenda akalipuka kwa hasira. Adhabu yake itawaandama waja wake. Lakini Mola huwa haadhibu watu kwa kiwango hiki, haswa nchi yetu ya Kenya na masaibu anuwai yanayotusibu. Si Wakenya kufa kwa sababu ya janga la njaa, si Wakenya kuangamia kwa mikasa ya moto, na si mauti ya ajali nyingi za barabara.Twaelekea wapi? Kwani tumemwasi Baba Yetu?
Wakenya bado wamegubikwa na lindi la simanzi kufuatia ajali ya moto uliosababishwa na kulipuka kwa bomba la mafuta katika kitongoji duni cha Sinai. Takriban Wakenya mia moja waliangamia. Swali kuu ni, je ni Mungu anatuadhibu kwa mawi tuliyoyatenda, ama ni Wakenya kujitia hamnazo tu na kupuuza majukumu?
Kama tujuavyo, mzizi wa vifo vya Sinai ni mafuta. Tukiangalia kumbukumbu zetu tunapata jinsi Wakenya walivyoangamia mnamo mwaka wa 2009, Februari, pale Wakenya walivyokimbilia mafuta eneo la Sachangwan, Salgaa, kilomita chache kutoka mji wa Nakuru. Haya yalitokea siku chache tu baada ya mkasa wa moto wa Nakumatt. Moto!
Miaka mitatu baadaye eneo la Sinai lapata pigo kubwa pale wenyeji wake walikumbana na mauti. Chanzo cha mkasa huu ni moto pia. Mbona tusielimike na kujua sisi ni vyumba vya udongo na hatuwezi kuhimili vishindo?
Huku bado biwi la simanzi likizidi kutanda, Wakenya wengine waliangamia eneo la Busia hapo juzi wakichota mafuta. Vya bwerere ni vya bei ghali, ni msemo usio na maana kwa mahuluki wa Kenya. Tutaelimika lini jamani?
Tukiacha hayo, tunaangazia ajali nyingi za barabarani. Kila siku kwenye vituo vya redio, runinga na pia wavuti utasikia au kusoma jinsi tunavyopoteza maisha ya Wakenya wengi. Eneo la Manyani kwenye barabara kuu ya Nairobi- Mombasa ndilo la hivi karibuni kuhusishwa na ajali mbaya. Inaonekana kuna mtu anayesinzia kazini na kama hatua mwafaka hazitachukuliwa huenda tukapoteza watu wengi. Ni vigumu kujua ni madereva ambao hawajamakinika au ni Wizara ya Uchukuzi isiyojali masilahi ya Wakenya wanaosafiri.
Suala la mwisho ambalo ningependa kuangazia ni jinsi shilingi ya Kenya inavyodidimia ikilinganishwa na Dola ya Marekani. Miezi mitano iliyopita Dola moja ingebadilishwa kwa shilingi 78 Kenya. Hapo jana Dola moja ilikuwa inabadilishwa kwa shilingi 99.9. Hapa kuna moto ambao unahitaji kuzimwa kabla haujateketeza nchi yetu.
Nawasihi Wakenya wenzangu wamakinike katika mambo yote wanayoyatenda ili tusiyafanye maisha yetu yawe Jehanamu. Aidha washika dau wa masuala ya fedha na uchukuzi wanahitajika kukaza kamba, kwani tukiendelea hivi tutazidi kupoteza ndugu, jamaa na marafiki wetu kwenye mikasa na ajali zinazoweza kuzuiliwa.

Mwandishi ni mwanafunzi wa Mwaka wa Tatu, Mawasiliano na Uanahabari

Why I need a Special Initiative ~ By Chris Khamasi and Morris Kioko.

Three weeks after the recently concluded Kenyans for Kenya initiative -an inventiveness cobbled up by the corporate world and the media to help Kenyans who are affected by the famine, an idle thought peered into my mind, i may just need our my initiative. In campus life a lot of us may need that extra hand in our day to day hustle.
The campus initiative is bound to make me live a comfortable life in campus. I want to enjoy myself to the fullest. I am not in a crisis as bad as our brothers in Turkana witnessed but anyway I need this initiative.
During the exam period for some reason I will find that the papers are not friendly to me because I was absent when my group members were in the library discussing the past papers-(I found that the latest season of The Vampire Diaries series to be more interesting) and I did not attend all classes because I was told by someone that it is abnormal to attend every lecture in a whole semester.
On the exam day when the lecturer has finished distributing the booklets and question papers alike, this initiative gains relevance, I will expect the exam initiative to ‘donate’ to me the possible answers to every question especially the compulsory question.
I will expect my immediate neighbours and other willing classmates who are one seat apart from me to lend me their mwaks or whisper to me ‘points’ that i will use to write my answers, I will urge them to write in good handwriting so that I can see what they have written in their booklets. This will continue for the entire exam period and when it is over, I will hail the success of the exam initiative as I nervously wait for the results.
The next initiative will need the counsel of my ‘wise’ friends. There is this fine first year that I saw in the library and I swore that she had to be mine. I have observed that in the last two weeks, she doesn’t have male company for the times that we have met.
I know that it is just a matter of time before campus vultures begin circling and around her. My problem is that I am suffering from vibe malnutrition. This is the only impediment to having her. I will expect the vibe initiative to kick off, to save a lovelorn campus guy. My friends will seat me in a room and ‘contribute’ vibe. I will nod to everything they say hoping that the silly little things that my ‘boys’ tell me will work in capturing the chic’s attention and also in maintaining her so that she does not slip through my fingers.
The final initiative is promoted by the fact that I do not have a room. When I came from home I expected to find a place to stay but I was unlucky. After fake promises, long queues and numerous phone calls I am yet to find a room, I have thought of pirating. Who will be willing to burden my presence for several months? That is where ‘well wishers’ step in, I need someone to accommodate me, this is where help a pirate initiative comes up.
This means my huge suitcase will suffocate space in your room, dining and wining in your room when I have not broken a sweat and indeed my money in shopping for food in the room, feeling half the comfort you would have felt if you slept alone in your bed. This will be done against the will of your roommate, who also loathes my friends.
I guess that is the price you have to pay for helping a brother out.

The writers are 3rd year LMC students.